"No son of mine loses a fight!" yells Bob. Swinging at ten year old Jerry, Bob continues, "I'll show you how to fight!" Jerry puts his hands up in self-defense but he is powerless to defend himself to the pummelling of his much bigger and stronger father.

One of the sources of our shame as men is that we will be discoverd to be weak. This shame was deeply ingrained in us by our fathers. Like Jerry, many of us find ways to deal with this failure to be strong.

Some of us hide under alcohol and drugs.

Some of us hide behind endless work schedules trying to prove that we are invincible.

Some of us hide behind masks of rage. Inwardly we smile at our ability to instiill terror in others.

Some of us may try and hide our shame by attempting to take our lives.

Pat Conroy, in his bookThe Losing Season, talks about how his father's abusive behavior lead to years of alcohol abuse and numerous suicide attempts. The thunderous alcolades of the literary world couldn't heal Pat's shame. Even seeing his book, The Great Santini, turned into a movie restored his wholeness. Fortunately, by the end of the book, Pat and his father are reconciled. Pat was fortunate to experience this reconcilation, many men are not so lucky.

Finding healing from our shame is key to emotional, mental and physical health.

I will outline the steps to healing in future blogs.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen

I have written about shame previously on this blog. I want to work with this theme some more.

Shame is a more powerful disabling force in men's lives than guilt. Guilt says, "I did something wrong." Shame says, "I am wrong, I am a big mistake." The difference is significant: guilt is related to behavior, shame is related to being. We can deal with guilt through forgiveness; shame is a deep scar that cannot be removed so simply.
There are many men who bury their shame through drugs, violence, alcohol, affairs, workaholism. This shame leads to depression. This depression is often undiagnosed and therefore, untreated.

How do you deal with shame?

We must move from the symptoms to the disease. Most of the time when men enter counseling or treatment, counselors will address the symptoms: the affairs, the substance abuse, the workaholism. The underlying shame and its resulting depression are left untreated.

IMPORTANT POINT:

When we begin to uncover the shame and depression we must be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. It is not unusual for men as they begin to discover their underlying, untreated depression to spiral down into an incapacitating depression. People who are working with men and those who love these men must be prepared to have psychiatrists and other doctors ready to treat these men's condition. Sometimes hospitalization is required for an intensive workup of the condition. Once the man is stablized on medication, work can begun to be done on the causes of the underlying depression.

Male shame is not incurable. Once stablized, the man can begin to address his childhood roots of shame. Frequently violent verbal and physical abuse was experienced by this man. As he talks about this abuse, he is able to understand that his abusers were themselves out of control men who were living shame-filled lives. The man seeking help now understands that he was a defenseless child who couldn't defend himself. Nor did he deserve this abuse. He didn't cause it or deserve it. He begins to understand that he is worthy of love and compassion. He embraces that little boy in himself who is beautiful, treasured, loved and worthy of respect. He begins to crawl out of his tomb of shame into the wonderful sunshine of love and acceptance.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen

"Perhaps the problem (of modern men) has not quite formulated itself in them all: but it could easily do so. They all obscurely want peace in God; but they are morally paralyzed. They cannot bring themselves to make a move to obtain it."

Thomas Merton, The Ascent of Truth, p. 41

"The earthly desires men cherish are shadows. There is no true happiness in fulfilling them. Why, then, do we continue to pursue joys without substance? Because THE PURSUIT ITSELF (author's emphasis) has become our only substitute for joy. Unable to rest in anything we achieve, we determine to forget our discontent in a ceaseless quest for new satisfactions. In this pursuit, desire itself becomes our chief satisfaction. The goods that so disappoint us when they are in our grasp can still stimulate our interest when they elude us in the present or in the past."

Thomas Merton, The Ascent To Truth, p. 21.

The ancient story of Adam and Eve is a story of the fall of humanity into brokenness. The story is not just about brokenness - it is also a story about trying to hide the shame of brokenness.

I believe that the ancient story is more about shame than about guilt. Many people over the years have made the story about guilt. If you read the story carefully (The Bible, Genesis 3), you will not find any references to restoring a fall from grace. You will, however, read a story about a man who is hiding from God and a God who makes clothes to hide their shame - acts which are a counterpoint to their original condition when they were without shame (Genesis 2:25).

This primordial story continues to be dramatized daily in the lives of people around us. People are trying to deal with their shame.

Andrew Comiskey observes: "Shame is the raincoat of the soul, repelling the living water that would otherwise establish us as the beloved of God." The marks of shame are fear and flight. Feeling shame we fear we will be discovered. We fear that those close to us will discover our true selves. Our shame drives us away from meaningful relationships into the aquisition of positions, titles, power, wealth and pseudo-relationships. This flight is often affirmed and supported as we are seen as successful by our peers. Some people unable to find comfort in these outward signs of 'shame-dealing' turn inward and attempt to hide their shame under various addictions including workaholism (this society's acceptable addiction). The degradation of these addictions leads to more shame and self-loathing which reinforces the cycle of shame.

This ancient story opens us to the problem of the 'tear' in the masculine soul. Men around us are looking for ways to deal with their shame. They are crying out for healing.

I will unpack this problem of shame in future blogs.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen