The pain of shame is created in our relationships. Someone is shaming us: "You are a nothing!"

My theory of therapy is this: "Wounded in relationship; healed in relationship."

Believe it or not: the therapy is THE therapy. The relationship with the therapist is key to the healing power of therapy.

The healing cure for shame is found in community. This is why group therapy is so powerful. Attendees of twelve step meetings AA discovered this secret years ago. Small groups are superior to one-on-one therapy because there are people who have differing perspectives on our lives. The group members' insights into our life help us find our blind spots. The group also provides us with models of acceptance which don't replay the shameful patterns of the past. If we do run into those patterns, the group can help us look at those patterns and help us find healing.

I have been a member of small groups for over 40 years! I am a believer in the power of groups to bring healing to my life and the lives of many others.

"No son of mine loses a fight!" bellows Bob. Swinging at ten year old Jerry, Bob continues, "I'll show you how to fight!" Jerry puts his hands up in self-defense but he is powerless to defend himself to the pummelling of his much bigger and stronger father.

One of the sources of our shame as men is that we will be discoverd to be weak. This shame was deeply ingrained in us by our fathers. Like Jerry, many of us find ways to deal with this failure to be strong.

Some of us hide under alcohol and drugs.

Some of us hide behind endless work schedules trying to prove that we are invincible.

Some of us hide behind masks of rage. Inwardly we smile at our ability to instiill terror in others.

Some of us may try and hide our shame by attempting to take our lives.

Pat Conroy in his book, The Losing Season, talks about how his father's abusive behavior lead to years of alcohol abuse and numerous suicide attempts. The thunderous alcolades of the literary world couldn't heal Pat's shame. Even seeing his book, The Great Santini, turned into a movie didn't restore his wholeness. Fortunately, by the end of the book, The Losing Season, Pat and his father are reconciled. Pat was fortunate to experience this reconcilation, many men are not so lucky.

Finding healing from our shame is key to emotional, mental and physical health.

I will outline the steps to healing in future blogs.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen

I have written about shame previously on this blog. I want to work with this theme some more.

Shame is a more powerful disabling force in men's lives than guilt. Guilt says, "I did something wrong." Shame says, "I am wrong, I am a big mistake." The difference is significant: guilt is related to behavior, shame is related to being. We can deal with guilt through forgiveness; shame is a deep scar that cannot be removed so simply.
There are many men who bury their shame through drugs, violence, alcohol, affairs, workaholism. This shame leads to depression. This depression is often undiagnosed and therefore, untreated.

How do you deal with shame?

We must move from the symptoms to the disease. Most of the time when men enter counseling or treatment, counselors will address the symptoms: the affairs, the substance abuse, the workaholism. The underlying shame and its resulting depression are left untreated.

IMPORTANT POINT:

When we begin to uncover the shame and depression we must be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. It is not unusual for men as they begin to discover their underlying, untreated depression to spiral down into an incapacitating depression. People who are working with men and those who love these men must be prepared to have psychiatrists and other doctors ready to treat these men's condition. Sometimes hospitalization is required for an intensive workup of the condition. Once the man is stablized on medication, work can begun to be done on the causes of the underlying depression.

Male shame is not incurable. Once stablized, the man can begin to address his childhood roots of shame. Frequently violent verbal and physical abuse was experienced by this man. As he talks about this abuse, he is able to understand that his abusers were themselves out of control men who were living shame-filled lives. The man seeking help now understands that he was a defenseless child who couldn't defend himself. Nor did he deserve this abuse. He didn't cause it or deserve it. He begins to understand that he is worthy of love and compassion. He embraces that little boy in himself who is beautiful, treasured, loved and worthy of respect. He begins to crawl out of his tomb of shame into the wonderful sunshine of love and acceptance.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen

"Perhaps the problem (of modern men) has not quite formulated itself in them all: but it could easily do so. They all obscurely want peace in God; but they are morally paralyzed. They cannot bring themselves to make a move to obtain it."

Thomas Merton, The Ascent of Truth, p. 41

"The earthly desires men cherish are shadows. There is no true happiness in fulfilling them. Why, then, do we continue to pursue joys without substance? Because THE PURSUIT ITSELF (author's emphasis) has become our only substitute for joy. Unable to rest in anything we achieve, we determine to forget our discontent in a ceaseless quest for new satisfactions. In this pursuit, desire itself becomes our chief satisfaction. The goods that so disappoint us when they are in our grasp can still stimulate our interest when they elude us in the present or in the past."

Thomas Merton, The Ascent To Truth, p. 21.