I have written about shame previously on this blog. I want to work with this theme some more.

Shame is a more powerful disabling force in men's lives than guilt. Guilt says, "I did something wrong." Shame says, "I am wrong, I am a big mistake." The difference is significant: guilt is related to behavior, shame is related to being. We can deal with guilt through forgiveness; shame is a deep scar that cannot be removed so simply.
There are many men who bury their shame through drugs, violence, alcohol, affairs, workaholism. This shame leads to depression. This depression is often undiagnosed and therefore, untreated.

How do you deal with shame?

We must move from the symptoms to the disease. Most of the time when men enter counseling or treatment, counselors will address the symptoms: the affairs, the substance abuse, the workaholism. The underlying shame and its resulting depression are left untreated.

IMPORTANT POINT:

When we begin to uncover the shame and depression we must be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. It is not unusual for men as they begin to discover their underlying, untreated depression to spiral down into an incapacitating depression. People who are working with men and those who love these men must be prepared to have psychiatrists and other doctors ready to treat these men's condition. Sometimes hospitalization is required for an intensive workup of the condition. Once the man is stablized on medication, work can begun to be done on the causes of the underlying depression.

Male shame is not incurable. Once stablized, the man can begin to address his childhood roots of shame. Frequently violent verbal and physical abuse was experienced by this man. As he talks about this abuse, he is able to understand that his abusers were themselves out of control men who were living shame-filled lives. The man seeking help now understands that he was a defenseless child who couldn't defend himself. Nor did he deserve this abuse. He didn't cause it or deserve it. He begins to understand that he is worthy of love and compassion. He embraces that little boy in himself who is beautiful, treasured, loved and worthy of respect. He begins to crawl out of his tomb of shame into the wonderful sunshine of love and acceptance.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen